We'd rather be skiin'

Kernels of truth and bushels of you-know-what: The Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.
  
  
Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 
   
Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 
   
Ø   I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 
   
Ø   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 
   
Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 
   
Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 
   
Ø   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 
   
Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 
     
Ø   War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 
   
Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 
  
Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
   
Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 
   
Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 
   
Ø   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 
  
Ø   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 
   
Ø   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 
   
Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 
   
Ø   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. 
   
Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 
   
Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". 
   
Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 
   
Ø   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 
   
Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 
   
Ø   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 
   
Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? 
   
Ø   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 
   
Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
   
Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 
   
Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 
   
Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 
   
Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 
   
Ø   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. 
   
Ø   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
   
Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 
   
Ø   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 
  
Ø   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 
   
Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 
   
Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 
   
Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 
   
Ø   You're never too old to learn something stupid. 
 
Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 
 
Ø   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 
   
Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 
   
Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 
   
Ø   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? 
   
Ø   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

 

...of all the liars among mankind, the fisherman is the most trustworthy.  ~William Sherwood Fox, Silken Lines and Silver Hooks, 1954

Ah . . . here's the problem . . .

We interrupt this blog with news of an important discovery in the field of archeology

It seems an archeological team, digging in the U.S. capital of Washington DC , has uncovered  10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what is believed to be the first . . .

politician.

We now resume our regularly scheduled inactivity . . .

Geezers, eh? Tough geezers .. . .

No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,
WE ARE AWESOME !!!!
OUR LIFE IS LIVING PROOF
 

  

TO ALL THE KIDS  WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's,        50's, 60's and 70's!!
 

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. 
  


They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
 

 
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints. 
  



We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.... 
  

 
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
 

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
 

 
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. 
  


 
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. 
  

 
We ate cupcakes made with Lard, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank FLAV- OR- AID made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight.   WHY?
 

 
Because we were always outside playing....that's why!
 

 
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.
 

 
  We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem
 

 
  We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's,
no surround-sound or CD's,
no cell phones,
no personal computers,
no Internet and no chat rooms.
 

 
   
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! 
  

  
 We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
 

 
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. 
  


We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. 
 


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. 
  


 Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. 
Imagine that!!  



The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!  


  
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
 

 
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. What can kids today do besides push buttons.
 

 
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. 
  
 
If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!  
  

 
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. 
  
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Management lessons worth knowing . . .

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.  When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?  ''It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.  “Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal  a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'  The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.  The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'  Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



 Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'  'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'Iwant to be in the   Bahamas, driving a speedboat,without a care in the world.'   Puff! She's gone.  'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'  Puff! He's gone.  OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
 
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
 
 
 Lesson 4
 
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox  appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 
 
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up..
 
 Lesson 5
 
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that  tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'  'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
 
Moral of the story:
Bull S--t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
 
 
Lesson 6
 
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.  While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.  The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
 
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s--ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s--t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep, uh, doo doo, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Cajun in hell‏

A Cajun who died went to hell. 
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit
where the heat was melting others.  The devil came back sometime
later surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even
misting, much less sweating.  "How come you're not so much as
sweating here where everyone else is screaming for relief from the
heat?"

    

The Cajun laughed and said, "Man, I was raised in the bayous of Sout
Looziana.  Dis ain't nothin' but May in Morgan City to me!" 


The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it.. He put him in
a sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes and four extra furnaces
blasting.  When he came back, days later, the Cajun was sitting
pretty, had barely begun to bead up with sweat.  The devil was
outraged.
"How is this possible!?  You should be  melted to a shrieking puddle
in these conditions!."   

The Cajun laughed even harder than before.   "Hey, man!  I done tole
you.  I was raised in Sout Looziana.  You tink dis is heat?!  Dis
ain't nothin' but August in Cow Island !" 


So the devil thought, 'All right, a little reverse ought to do the
trick.'  He put the Cajun into a corner of hell where no heat ever
reached.  It was freezing and to add to the Cajun's misery, he added
massive icebergs and blasting frozen air.  When he returned, the
Cajun was shivering, ice hung from every part of him but he was
grinning like it was Christmas.   

Exasperated, the devil asked "HOW!?  How is it possible?!   You're
impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions you can't be used
to...freezing cold and yet you're happier than if you were in heaven.
WHY?!" 


The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Don't dis mean de Saints won DA
Super Bowl?"

Why don't they teach this in high school math?

Computations to an age-old question . . . .

An important morality tale

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but called ahead and said he would be a little late.

The priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

The moral of the story is: DON'T EVER BE LATE!!!!

OVERDOSE VICTIMS

 

I'm  posting these graphic pictures of overdose victims not for shock value, but rather in the  hope that you will have a frank discussion with friends and  family about respecting moderation, understanding limits, and  knowing when to just walk away.

Remember...
This did NOT have to happen ...

(parental discretion advised)

 

and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions who occupied England for the first 300 years. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses - which Frebrezian horses of those centuries - sort of built like our Budwieser horses and wagon. Course that is not a chariot.

Now the twist to the story

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

What your icons do . . .

when your computer is off . . .

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